Courtesy of Rachel Garlinghouse
- Many parents I kknow resist letting their kids quit activities, thinking it reflects poorly on them.
- I want my kids to quit activities and friendships that no longer suit them.
- I think allowing kids to quit builds confidence, maturity, and helps them evaluate their own needs.
Not a week goes by that I don't hear a parent saying their child is miserable in an extracurricular activity, an advanced placement class, or even a friendship. That parent often then remarks that they won't allow their child to quit. It seems that parents have inherited and sustained the idea that letting a child quit is a moral failure and reflects poorly on the parent with a resounding, "I'm not raising a quitter!"
I am taking the opposite approach with my own four kids, two of whom are teens and two are tweens. I believe there are perfectly acceptable reasons to quit — the main of which is that quitting can be a healthy habit. After all, as an adult, I have no problem quitting a job, a relationship, a volunteer position, or even holiday plans if they no longer serve me and my family.
Ultimately, I ask, why should I have a different standard for my children than I have for myself? If the goal of parenting is to raise well-adjusted, well-functioning adults, why not let them quit?
I let my kids quit sports
Last year, one of my teens was enrolled in an elite, short-term sports program. We were convinced that the tough love she was getting on the court would help her have more grit and build skills.
Our child, who thrives with calm coaching and more private criticism, was miserable with the coaching style of this team. She asked to quit, and we readily agreed because she was reporting to us that she wanted to completely give up her beloved sport. The mental anguish wasn't worth the "elite" program.
I'm happy to report that quitting worked. She's still in her sport, just not at an unhealthy capacity.
I let my kids quit relationships
Many family-to-family relationships develop because parents want to spend time with other kids' parents, but the kids? Sometimes they grow apart or never even liked each other at all. I try not to force my kids to stay in these uncomfortable situations.
Quitting a relationship can be a quiet fade; it doesn't have to be loud and dramatic. We want our kids to evaluate relationships and understand what is and isn't healthy. The same goes for dating relationships. It's OK to break up with someone who simply isn't a match, rather than wasting time and energy.
I have shared with my kids how I felt two of my own friends stopped supporting me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and how it was better for me to let them go than to implore them to hang in there with me. I hope they'll do the same if faced with a similar situation.
Courtesy of Rachel Garlinghouse
I let my kids quit classes
Once kids reach high school, they have more freedom to change their schedules, even a few weeks into a class. One of my daughters quit a science class because there was far too much math, a subject she struggles with, than she expected there would be. Just because a kid is qualified to take an advanced placement or dual-credit class does not mean the prestige is worth the sacrifices they may have to endure.
As a college teacher, I have seen far too many students hit burnout from taking too many classes or enrolling in classes that are over their heads, resulting in plummeting grades and deteriorating mental health. I want my high schoolers to learn to bail now, when necessary, rather than suffer in silence.
There's also the benefit of them carefully looking at all the pros and cons, weighing their options, and making a decision that works for them. This builds confidence and is empowering, propelling them into greater maturity.
I let my kids call in
We are fortunate to live in a state that offers students excused mental health days. If my kiddo is feeling overwhelmed, they are allowed to use the days they need, without a penalty from me or the school. Though this technically isn't quitting, I do think it's a short-term "quit" for a day to recharge and evaluate what they need moving forward.
In my opinion, perfect attendance awards are inherently ableist. I don't want my kids to be rewarded for being pushed to (or over) their breaking point. Instead, my children are learning to gauge how their bodies and brains are feeling, attuning to their intuition, and yielding to the warning signs that they need to take a pause.
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