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- For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
- This week, a reader is having roommate problems after moving in with a close friend.
- Our columnist suggests scheduling regular roommate meetings rather than relying on reminders.
- Have a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
I just moved into an apartment with two college friends. We're all on the lease. One of them is my close friend, and the other is her good friend whom I don't know as well.
I knew going in that my friend and I have very different styles. I like things tidy, and I don't like other people touching my stuff. Messes don't bother her at all, and she's very generous and always assumes it goes both ways. I knew we needed some boundaries, so I made a chore chart and labeled my food, and we had a meeting the first week to go over expectations.
Our third roommate and I have followed our agreements respectfully, but my friend uses my stuff constantly and never does her chores. When I ask her about it or remind her to do her chores, she either promises to do them or says I can borrow her stuff anytime, too.
I don't want to use her stuff. I just want her to stop using mine. I know our third roommate agrees with me because we've had long conversations, but when I need her to back me up, she acts like I'm overreacting and says she doesn't have a problem. We are a month into a year lease, and I already want out. How can I fix this?
Sincerely,
Disgusted Roomie
For Love & Money answers your relationship and money questions. Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Submit your question in this Google form.
Dear Disgusted,
Eighteen years ago, I made the classic mistake of being roommates with my best friend. We were freshmen in college, and neither of us had any sense of boundaries, and very different cleaning styles.
She was comfortable living with a moderate level of mess and doing small chores to keep our room from devolving into anything too gross. I wanted to keep things museum-level clean because I knew that if anything were out of place, I'd let the whole thing spiral into chaos until I finally had the willpower to spend five straight hours cleaning the place back to perfection.
She never helped, and seemed to like to return to my masterpiece, toss her coat over the back of her chair, and leave her book bag in the middle of the floor.
The rage we felt toward one another but refused to express eventually came out in a showdown over winter break travel plans that terrified our suitemates to the point of tears. We only salvaged our friendship by taking an extended break from one another and never living together again. It's an event I still count among my greatest regrets.
I share this story because I made the two major mistakes it's essential you — and anyone with roommate problems — avoid: not saying enough, and then saying entirely too much, much too aggressively.
While I know you want to fix this and don't plan to take the nuclear option, your mention of "long conversations" with your other roommate makes me worry that you're on your way to a showdown of your own. Having long conversations about conflicts like these with anyone other than the person you're having issues with fuels the fires of resentment.
And while I'm sure your reminders to your friend have been reasonable, they seem a tad weak in comparison to your frustration. Reminders are for people who understand their responsibilities but get off track occasionally. They aren't for people who've never been on track. I'm not suggesting you express the full extent of your rage. Rather, think through what you need from your friend and gauge how well she's meeting those expectations. Once you have a stronger sense of the situation, you can address it with her more effectively.
Also, consider areas where you can flex to meet her needs. Sure, all these years later, I still think my way of cleaning was superior, but in hindsight, I recognize how my approach wasn't working for my friend either. She didn't share my all-or-nothing mindset, and I'm sure she found my anxiety around housekeeping obnoxious. Now that I have my own house, I can run it with a slightly obsessive emphasis on routine upkeep because that method works for me. But when you live with other people, you have to recognize that your version of "the best way" isn't theirs, and any frustration over these differences is likely mutual.
This is why I suggest swapping out your "reminders" with weekly roommate meetings. In a meeting format, you can ask her what would help her keep up with chores. Maybe the ones she agreed to aren't a good fit, and she could trade them for ones you or the other roommate want to give up. Or, perhaps money is easier for her to give than time, and she could hire a cleaning service to cover her share. This way, you can treat her neglected chores as a matter of business, not a passing gripe, and reset expectations.
A standing roommate meeting will also create space to directly discuss her habit of borrowing your things without permission. You didn't mention if you have any financial concerns about her doing so, but it would be valid if you do. Her generosity makes me wonder if she can afford it and assumes everyone else can, too. To show how this affects you, lay out the costs. Perhaps you run a tight budget, and her borrowing your food has thrown it off; explain that.
Just like cleaning differences, her openhanded mentality isn't superior or inferior to your preference for clear boundaries — it's just a difference. Disrespecting another person's style by using their things without permission, though, isn't OK. Sharing the underlying reasons for your preferences, which could come from a personal approach to money rather than stinginess, will hopefully soften her passive-aggressive attitude.
If I could go back and tell my freshman year self one thing when I was having roommate problems, it would be this: Assertive, honest, ongoing communication is the best prevention for melodramatic blowups. And it will likely save your friendship.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
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